My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
