I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
