Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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