listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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