either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
