If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
