dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
