My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize