I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sorry my hands just texted you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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