when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
