I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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