How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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