I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
