I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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