The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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