he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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