I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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