my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
