Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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