I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
