This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
