I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize