the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
