Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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