Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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