he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
