and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
