At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
