Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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