listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
