I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
lol hangovers are for mortals.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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