What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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