He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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