You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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