Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
