I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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