He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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