I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
