I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
2020 sucks, I want a refund
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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