Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
