I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
is it fun? or sober?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
