I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
