I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
