Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I need to sanitize my soul.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
