Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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