Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
