I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
