dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
