I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
