Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Drunk is not a location!
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
