The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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