I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
