Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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