He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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