the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
