I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
