just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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