I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
