My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
