If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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