I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
