you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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