I wish I could punch you in the face.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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