the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
