I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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