so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize