Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
