btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
