Please, let me fuck your mom
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
