I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
