did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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